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Children’s Lit Commish: ‘All Picture Books to be 80s Film Adaptations’

The following is a work of fiction.

In a shocking move, the eccentric children’s literature commissioner has declared that all future picture books must be based on films from the 1980s.

Sliding into the press room to the strains of Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock ‘N Roll wearing a button down shirt, socks, and sunglasses, the commissioner showed that this is a decision near and dear to his heart.

“Authors, have you ever turned plastic into gold? You will. The commissioner then dramatically pulled a velvet kerchief off a shoebox and opened the lid, revealing a collection of recorded-from-tv VHS tapes.

When asked about his decision, the commissioner appeared nostalgic.

I’ve just been going through some old stuff lately. Some of the best times of my youth were spent watching these films. I want to make sure the younger generation gets this same experience. That is why our young people need Risky Business condensed into 32 pages with pictures.

When questions arose about the age-appropriateness of adapting R-rated films into books for kids, the commissioner defended his decision.

“Hey, all these movies have great lessons. Diehard – friendship. Predator – making friends. Over the Top – being a good friend. I can go on all day, folks.”

The commissioner went on to explain that he has already been working with publishers to make sure his favorite films would be among the first adaptations released.

Beginning next month, you will see a string of classics hitting shelves. Expect Bloodsport by Jan Brett, Roadhouse by Robert Munsch, and Cocktail by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith to camp out on the picture book bestseller list for the foreseeable future.”

Click the links below to read previous Children’s Lit Commish posts:

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘Don’t Look at Me’

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘No More Fancy Covers’

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘All Books Will Actually Just Be Videos By 2012’

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘No Blogging Allowed at Blog Conference’

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘No More Non-Famous Authors’

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘No More Adaptations’

Children’s Lit Commish: ‘No More Non-Series Books’

About Travis Jonker

Travis Jonker is an elementary school librarian in Michigan. He writes reviews (and the occasional article or two) for School Library Journal and is a member of the 2014 Caldecott committee. You can email Travis at scopenotes@gmail.com, or follow him on Twitter: @100scopenotes.


  1. My Left Foot by Tony Fucile!
    Dangerous Liaisons by Randall and Peter de Seve!
    Last Temptation of Christ starring the Veggie Tales characters!
    Witness by Patricia Polacco! (or… that one might work)

    Yay! Fun – thanks Travis!

  2. Thought you were joking until Roadhouse, then it was like, wow, this is a legitimately good idea!