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Children's Lit Commish: 'No More Non-Famous Authors'

Warning: The article you are about to read is fiction.

In an effort to streamline the book purchasing process for America’s parents, the Children’s Literature Commissioner announced today that books written by non-celebrity authors will be phased out by 2012.

In front of assembled members of the media, the Commissioner laid out plans for a “gradual but neccessary” elimination of books by authors who aren’t famous for acting, singing, playing a professional sport, or being related to someone famous.

Authors famous for being authors also “don’t count” and will be forced to stop writing within the next four years.

Quick to provide support for his decision, the Commish cited a long list of celebrity author qualifications including “the fact that everybody knows them” and, “the stories they write are so cute, yet have a clear message”. He went on to say that, “Americans need an easier way to choose books, and celebrities provide the instant name recognition that will help simplify their purchases.”

“I’m very happy”, said Pamela Ruperton, mother of three, after hearing the decision. “Some of these authors, I can’t even pronounce their names. Now Madonna, that’s a name I can say with confidence.”

In closing, the Commissioner said, “We don’t allow our children to talk to strangers, so why would we allow them to read books written by strangers?”

About Travis Jonker

Travis Jonker is an elementary school librarian in Michigan. He writes reviews (and the occasional article or two) for School Library Journal and is a member of the 2014 Caldecott committee. You can email Travis at scopenotes@gmail.com, or follow him on Twitter: @100scopenotes.


  1. Sandra Bauer says:

    Is this decision for real by this commissioner???? There are many more known and not so well know authors out there who have certainly earned their wings by struggling through the process to become succesful authors and have produced some wonderful material….Unlike some of the celebrity authors who, just by the fact they are well known, a publisher will pick up their manuscripts thinking that the NAME will bring in more profits….

    I hope this commissioner will rethink – or as we authors do so often, rewrite his thoughts, to not eliminate a very valuable source of known and not so well known authors….

  2. Scope Notes says:

    This is meant to be a purely tongue-in-cheek, fictional response to the fact that celebrity authors are publishing a ton of books – sorry for the confusion and I agree wholeheartedly with your comments!

  3. Sandra Bauer says:

    Whew, what a relief!!!!!! I was happy to see the update for this article saying it was purely a fictional article….

    Who is the Children’s Literature Commissioner, if in fact, there is one???

  4. Scope Notes says:

    That is another bit of oh-so-unclear fiction. My apologies for the confusion

  5. The commissioner has clearly solved the problems caused by the mysterious disappearance of school librarians around the country! This way students, parents, and teachers won’t have to figure out how to handle the pesky task of selecting a good book. Brilliant! Now – does the commissioner have any theories on what is happening to those missing book pushers?? My theory is that the aliens have broken free from Area 51 and have taken them all to another dimension.